Resignation Speech As Delivered by Norbert Fortescue MP

(In the interests of political posterity and historical accuracy "Indefinite Thoughts and Emu" is proud to be the first blog to republish in full the speech given by noted Australian parliamentarian Norbert Fortescue given in the House of Representatives on Tuesday June 16th, announcing his impending retirement from politics. Herein follows the extant speech as recorded in Hansard)

Speaker of the House: Order...order. Will the Member for Buggery please stop interjecting and desist from trying to look up the skirt of the Member for Chappelli. [Pause followed by shouts from the government benches of that made reference to the speaker's baggy trousers] The Member for Newton-John?
Fortescue: Thank you Mr Speaker, and may I say that in my 34 years in this house as the member for the fine upstanding voters of Newton-John I have never been so impressed by the way a trouser hem line avoids all contact with the groin region as shown by your fine example. [Stomping of feet and low cow-bellowing sounds made by sections of the Opposition representing regional seats.] Mr Speaker, I would like to take this opportunity to announce that when the callow, communist, morally-bankrupt, be-pimpled and no doubt suffering from severe sexual inadequacies Government finally decide to allow the men and women of Australia to exercise their right to turf out dole-bludging crooks and hangers-on that sit on the other side of Black Rod and hold an election I won't be seeking pre-selection for my seat. [The Prime Minister turns to face the Member for Newton-John and breaks wind rather vigorously]
Speaker of the House: The House will not allow the Prime Minister to show his disdain for the Member for Newton-John with flatulence. Please restrict yourself to tongue-poking, dropping your trousers and calling the right honourable member a f-ckwit.
Fortescue: Thank you Mr Speaker. [The Prime Minister stops breaking wind and waits for the Minister for Health and Swedish Massage to use semaphore indicating to the Member for Newton John his f-ckwittedness]
Fortescue: Mr Speaker, esteemed colleagues, members of the press, visitors to the public gallery and you there, the lady with the shopping trolley filled with empty dirty milk cartons and crooning 'Living Next Door To Alice' by Smokie, it seems like only yesterday that I was first elected to the House of Representatives after the quite proper dismissal of the then Prime Minister Gough Whitlam in 1975. I was fortunate enough to secure a swing of almost 107% for my then seat of Yallop, before it was redistributed and became the seat of Minogue. Of course it was then changed due to subsidence after the 1980 election to become the seat of Kamahl, before another name change just because the Australian Electoral Commission decided that they'd like to call it the seat of Hiddink. However it has been for almost all my parliamentary career that I have been awarded the unbridled power and associated benefits from representing the seat of Newton-John, and I would like to pay homage to my supporters back home.
Member For Fenech: Mr Speaker, on a point of order, can the Member for Newton John please stop fiddling with his undone trouser fly and put it away?
Fortescue: Thank you my esteemed colleague from the government for pointing out my public onanism but may I remind the member that I have been touching myself lewdly since the days of Reg Withers and Jim Cairns and if a young progressive commie bastard like him wants to have anywhere near the success as I have had in this house then he should stop criticising and commence vigorous self-manipulation repeatedly so long as he sits on the government benches. [Members of the Opposition say "Hear hear!" whilst the Treasurer lewdly gropes a chicken].
Now where was I? oh yes, since I entered parliament in the first Fraser government I have had the good fortune to rise through the ranks of my party. In my callow youthfulness the best position I could hold in those early ministries was being the guy who cleaned out Doug Anthony's stall and made sure the cat was put out at night. I learned a lot from Jim Killen, Phil Lynch and the long-dead Latin author Boethius about how to carry a motion, how to put that same motion in the bowl and then how to flush that motion down the drain. But that's another story.
Member for Fellatio: Mr Speaker can I be excused, I need to go toot-toot?
Speaker of the House: Okay, but don't dilly-dally.
Fortescue: Mr Speaker, I guess it is no secret that during the years of the Hawke and Keating governments I lost my way politically. I had great hopes for elevation to the shadow ministry as the then oppositions spokesman for banging your head against a table, banging your head against a mullet and finally banging your head against a Catholic however the ructions that divided my party diverted our attention away from such weighty matters of state. [Members of the Opposition mumble obscenities about Andrew Peacock, Alexander Downer and Anton Chekhov]. Yet in those dim dark days I was fortunate enough to receive some guidance from my wife Elizabeth, her hairdresser Wayne, my local chiropodist Elwin and my personal idealogue Stalin. They all showed me that with patience, love, devotion and a Centurion tank my arguments could sway those who argued against me in party room brawlings. Of course Elizabeth and I are no longer together, due in no small part to that game of nude blindman's buff we played at Yarralumla, however Elwin and I are very happy still, comparing carbuncles and musing over the fuel excise.
Member for Chutney: Point of order Mr Speaker, is the Member for Newton-John going to continue this speech with his left index finger perpetually inserted into his right nostril or is this just another opposition stunt to take away our attention from the fact that the shadow foreign affairs spokesman likes to bugger marmosets?
Speaker of the House: This house thanks the Member for Chutney for bringing to our attention the marmoset problem that the shadow foreign affairs spokesman has however he has the floor. He also has the skirting board, the ceiling fan and the fly screens. Please continue the Member for Newton-John.
Fortescue: Thanks Mr Speaker, and before I was so rudely interrupted I was going to muse over the giddy heights I climbed under the last years of the Howard government. There was the appointment to permanent under-secretary for temporary oversight of military underwear, my joining of the cabinet as Minister for Oblong Objects and Climate Change, and of course some of my adversaries and friends alike here today will recall with great disinterest my speech to UNESCO about rabbits, nuns in lingerie and halitosis. But these particular events pale into insignificance thanks to my three year term as the Minister for Brown-Nosing The US. I have several intimate photographs of myself and the ex-Vice President of the United States sans trousers and thongs, displaying our committment to strong bilateral relations. These pictures of course will be released for public viewing at your local IMAX cinema post the pre-selection ballot in my seat. [Members of the Opposition call out "Onya Norbert!" and "I heard it was at least 12 inches long!" whilst the Treasurer fondles a Rubik's Cube].
Speaker of the House: Ten minute warning for the Member for Newton-John.
Fortescue: Before I finish this, my farewell speech to this house as well as the soon-to-be-released rap song 'Norbert Comes Alive', I would like to pass on some comments about both the Prime Minister and my current party leader. The PM is obviously a man of intellect, passion, self-belief and integrity. Why is why I am at a total loss why he is sitting directly opposite me in the nude bar a pickled onion jar which is barely hiding his less than impressive parts. As for the Opposition Leader, his path lays in front of him towards what I hope will be an electoral victory when the country next goes to the polls. Or failing that I am sure that Peter Costello would love to slip into a negligee for him and entertain my leader with his renditions of old Marlene Dietrich songs.
The Prime Minister: It's an empty corn relish jar Fortescue...stop lying you treacherous bastard!
Speaker of the House: Order in the house. Will the PM please refrain from calling the Member for Newton-John a lying bastard and restrict himself to calling him a deceptive c-nt.
Fortescue: Mr Speaker, I resemble those remarks.
[The assembled members of the House of Representatives then rose and recognised the service given by the Member for Newton-Jophn by loudly expectorating into a tankard and presenting it to him with a chorus of 'here's to Norbert he's true blue...'].

Quotes from History That Aren’t That Well Known or Indeed Helpful

• “When I hear the word revolver, I reach for my lunch” (Hermann Goering, speech to the National Socialist Frotteurs Association, March 1939)
• “Beauty is in the kidneys of Mrs Eliza McWhirter, 39 Stanthorpe Road, Budden, N51 65K Yorkshire” (John Keats, “Ode to a Semi-Filled Commode, 1810)
• “Death be not proud, although you can strut around wearing very tight pants that exaggerate your groin bulge” (John Donne, “Tight Pants Sonnet IV”, 1598)
• “I surrender” (insert any French statesmen and/or general since the reign of Charlemagne here)
• “I am not a crook…but I do have an interest in fondling pubescent otters.” (Richard Nixon, cited in his original manuscript for the Brady Bunch episode “Cindy Meets The President”)
• “In beginning there was the word, and the word was olfactory” (the so-called “Smelly Bible”, translated from Hebrew by Dr Ron Inaccurate of the Faculty of Spoon-Licking, University of Carlsbad Dubbo Campus)
• “Those who do not study history are condemned to repeat it…as well as maths, home economics and quantum physics. Plus stay in after school and clean the blackboard with their bare tummies.” (Cicero, Letters to Atticus Johnnycashius, 61 B.C.)
• “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a fortune is in want of a wife…or at least some incredibly kinky sex with a woman he can hire on an hourly basis.” (“Pride & Prejudice; the Underpants Edition” by Jane Austen)
• “Mairsey doats and divey doats and little lambsy kidneys” (The Andrew Sisters from the MGM Musical “I Married a Teenage Butcher”)
• “We are not amused…so stop with the penis jokes and move onto the one about the goat, the virgin and the barrel of olive oil.” (Queen Victoria to Benjamin Disraeli, Sandringham Palace September 1865)
• “When I hear the word culture, I reach for my frommage” (Louis Pasteur)
• “I may not agree with what you say, but I’ll defend to my death your right to show me nude pictures of rather attractive young ladies” (Voltaire, Paris 1788)
• “Show me the mornay.” (Cuba Gooding Jnr, “The Tuna Casserole Whisperer, Paramount Pictures 2005)
• “Ich bin ein moving target” (John F Kennedy, Dallas Airport, 1963)
• “Veni, vidi videorecordeo” (“I came, I saw, I recorded it on Betamax” Julius Caesar 54 BC – possibly corrupt from the original Latin)
  
• “Go nor-nor east young man!” (Horace Greeley’s chiropodist, 1883)
• “Man with hand in pocket target for painfully obvious joke about self-gratification” (Confucius, 2^nd Century B.C.)
• “Long long ago, in a galaxy far, far away…actually it was really just across the road and next door to the chemists…” (Star Wars XVI: The Talcum Powder Padawan)
• “There’s nothing so morbid, boring or drear, than to stand in the front bar, of the pub with no Pernod” (“Pub with No Pernod", performed by Slim Le Dusty from his album "Une Garcon Sur Kempsey")
• “I like a little rebellion now and again. It is like a yeast infection in an athletic support” (Thomas Jefferson, 1810)
• “When I hear the word culture, I reach for my hearing aid” (Helen Keller)
• "Cogito ergo sumo" ("I think therefore I am a large Japanese wrestler in a nappy"...Blaise Pascal)

Enough Mule Abuse I Say

I've never been one to shy away from a fight when it comes to censorship. As a passionate advocate of the ideology most eloquently summed up by Voltaire as "I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it" I find the growing tide of censorious nay-sayers and wowsers determining what I may or may not see to be truly repugnant. But that has changed, and changed because of the way in which the art community has continually and flagrantly defied community standards when it comes to depicting the young, the sexually vulnerable, the mute witnesses to perverted abuse.

Yes, I am talking about art magazines, galleries and even TV masquerading as high art displayed uncovered, nude and barely walking mules in gratutious poses, all for "art"!

Well...if this is art then I'm a randy, lewd, depraved and deviated denizen of all things foul, scabrous and lubricious:
I'm sorry if this offends those who consider themselves part of the intellectual elite, the chardonnay and cafe latte set who like to think they are as socially responsible as Desmond Tutu driving a Toyota Prius. Yet when this type of filth...this kind of aberrant sexually charged imagery of a poor defenceless young mule is paraded on the cover of an Australian tax-payer funded art magazine, well I have to cry out.

Yes, I know that some of the so called authroities say there is nothing wrong about showing mules without any clothes. Mules, donkeys and even Shetland ponies have been depicted for thousands of years sans trousers, without a stitch of material to hide their equine genitalia. For example, take a geek at this fine piece of orthodox religious donkey and Jesus painting:

Now whilst we see the donkey without any garb to hide the naughty bits, it is patently clear that:

1. This is an adult donkey
2. The donkey is not in a photo and hence you can't actually identify who it really is
3. The donkey is long dead and hence can't be mocked, harried or subjected to insidious sexual taunts

The problem with the modern photographic representation of mules, particularly very young ones as shown on the "Art Monthly Australia" July magazine cover is that this poor defenceless victim is represented in all its crude naturalistic and dare I say sexually provocative nudity, without any redeeming artistic values. The editors of this foul and promiscious magazine have undoubtedly tried to shock and disgust those who defend the rights of young mules and other members of the Equus species from molestation and lewd massages, whilst in parallel playing up to the kinky perverts in the art community who think it is normal!

I wonder if the editors, the photographer, the mule breeder who participated in this vile photographic obscenity ever consulted the young donley? Did they ever think to reflect upon the ribald harassment, the unacceptable seductions that this poor little mule will undergo as it gambols and struts through the stables and fields of its youth? Will this mule in 5 or 10 years look back on this degrading experience as it is roughly whipped by some deviant who finds applying leather to its back perversely gratifying and realise it shouldn't have let the photographer take pictures of its mule undercarriage bits?

All I know is that right now there are literally hundreds, if not thousands of mules and other load carrying equine animals out there who are just as vulnerable to the disgusting gazes of men and women who find their libido stimulated by such filthy images. The morally bankrupt forces of modern art have again shown how flimsy our veneer of liberal civilisation is by depicting such gratuitiously sexy pics of a mule, and as far as I am concerned the next donkey or ass to need counselling for sex abuse should sue the entire Australia Council as well as the Federal Minister for the Arts and the mongrels who let such an indignity adorn the front of a so-called G-rateed magazine!

Top Ten Philias and Fetishes

Thanks to a large grant I received from the Royal Danish Institute for Looking at Naughty Bits, Aalborg finally I've been able to complete my world shattering research into the latest trends of human sexuality. Whilst my thesis is awaiting both a publisher and a rather frank but cheap film maker with acess to the required nudists, ferret sexers and Albanian cheese mongers I can release without fear, favour or Microsoft Word spell check my top 20 most popular philias and fetishes (as recognised by the Red Cross, the German Bundesliga, the Russian Duma and Farmers Union dairy producers.

10. Ridgelyphilia
This is an obscure sexual kink practiced by those adults who find the idea of being fondled by Andrew Ridgely (the lesser half of 80s duo 'Wham') as erotically provocative without any of the associated nausea. In times of heightened arousal practitioners of Ridgleyphilia may be seduced by the blonde guy from Go West wearing an Andrew Ridgley mask.

9. Budgerigarism
A certain element in the elderly male community of British Columbia, Alberta and Nova Scotia find the act of dressing in yellow and green feathers, taking one's pants off and then sitting in a large cage whilst their elderly wives ask 'Who's a pretty boy?' to be the ideal way to tickle their jaded senses. It was rumoured that after retirement Canadian PM Pierre Trudeau was a practising budgerigarist, but in a tell-all interview with French tennis player Yannick Noah his ex-wife Margaret refuted this by displaying intimate photos of Pierre massaging a Osprey sans underpants.

8. Ronald McDonaldphilia
The somewhat deviant section of adult males who are committed to this sexual lifestyle find their organs engorged by the sight of a clown carrying a hamburger. Female adherents of a Ronald McDonaldphilia sexuality are reportedly aroused by greasepaint, big floppy shoes and large fries. At the height of passion a loving couple committing acts of Ronald McDonaldphilia are wont to cry out "Do you want fries with that?!"

7. Fridge Magnet Fetish
A disturbing and potentially self-harming sexual aberration where tourists go to information centres, local museums or even tourism trade shows, strip down to the flimsiest of lingerie and then covered themselves in fridge magnets. The more magnetic the kitschy gift the greater the orgasm for this fetish's adicts.

6. Fettaphilia
Originating in Athenian society during the 5th century B.C., fettaphilia is a prevalent fetish amongst those Mediterranean men and women who find that the salty Greek cheese brings them to the state of sexual frenzy. In his classic study of the behaviour Professor Con Junktshun of the Hellenic Curdist Institute documented at least 385 couples in the Thessalonika area who would every week hope under the covers of their matrimonial bed and then liberally smear fetta cheese on their bodies.

5. Wheel of Fortunism
The male and female libido in this clinical situation is usually brought to a peak when the relevant host of the local version of popular TV game show 'Wheel of Fortune' yells out the orgasmic phrase "Top dollar!". Whilst groups of these sexually perverse adherents may enjoy the act of intercourse whilst waiting for a vowel to be bought, any self-pleasuring experienced by single Wheel of Fortunists usually occurs through the actual spinning of the wheel, or the provocative visually imagery as the female co-host turns over the letters.

4. Gilliganphilia
This widely enjoyed sexual identity is usually formed by the practioner at an early age, most often after being sat in front of repeated showings of old episodes of 'Gilligans Island'. As the Gilliganphile grows into sexual maturity he or she (although it is usually a male-oriented practice) will want more than the occasional 'hey there little buddy' for gratification, moving onto full blown auto-eroticism with a banana cream pie strategically positioned. In extreme cases groups of male Gilliganphiles will go to farms in the mid-western states of the United States of America, randomly knock on doors and ask to be introduced to any Mary Annes that may live there. The only cure for this behaviour is a three hour cruise (I say again, a three hour cruise).

3. Star Anise-ism
An unbelievably popular fruit fetish in tropical countries, the Star Anise-ist adult will only be able to copulate with their male or female partner if an unpeeled star anise is hung around the external reproductive organs of their lover. If star anise is unavailable a lychee, mango or paw paw may provide a semi-satisfactory substitute.

2. Monopolyphilia
The full-blown Monopolyphiliac will often secrete the playing parts from his or her Monopoly game set around their erogenous zones whilst fully clothed. Women have been known to have at least the little doggy piece and/or the battleship inserted into their underwear, whilst male Monopolyphiliacs find gratification more readily available from frottage with the thimble or top hat. The Monopolyphiliac will be often found paying for sex in their preferred fashion by usuing Monopoly money. They should go straight to jail, and not pass go.

1. Michael Jackson's Glove-ophilia
A rather degrading form of sexual perversion where after having their partner talk to them in a high pitched voice, the male (in 99.7% of all cases) then drinks from what he may call his 'bottle of jesus jucie' before asking for his lover to put on a single white glittery glove and then commit acts of gross indecency or bad pop music (you be the judge).

If you suspect your friends, family, neighbours, the post man, the woman who served you at the delicatessan last week or even the entire 3rd Division of the US Army have committed any of these sexually kinky acts please feel free to report them (and submit a sample of your bodily fluids) to:

The Cajun Copulation and Fried Chicken Institute
Att: Professor Reginald Pubes
Troilus and Cressida Block
Methodist University of Wurtemburg and Dubbo
Pretoria

Twenty Five Things You Didn't Know About Andre Rieu

1. Andre Rieu has a tattoo of Sibelius's face on the small of his back
2. During the second Gulf War Andre Rieu's music was used by the US 101st Airborne Division to demoralise those Iraqi Republican Guard units guarding Mosul.
3. Andre Rieu's favourite geologic era is the Pleistocene age.
4. The military junta that rule Myanmar (a.k.a. Burma) has banned any showing of photos of Rieu in public.
5. In Rieu's home town of Maastricht there is a man who has been appointed by the local council to clean every toilet in Rieu home free of charge.
6. Henri Paul, the driver who was killed with Dodi Fayed and Princess Di was listening to an Andre Rieu cassette on the limousine stereo immediately before the fatal accident. French police removed the offending tape and turned it over to MI-5.
7. Andre Rieu has the best collection of 19th Century bidets in the entire Benelux area.
8. The second Tueday has been called Andre Rieu Day in Topeka, Kansas.
9. Andre Rieu has seen the Sissy Spacke film "Coal Miner's Daughter" 312 times.
10. Hair shed by Andre Rieu has reportedly the same tensile strength as titanium.
11. Andre Rieu failed his religious eductaion course 12 times in high school.
12. The Royal Dutch Navy's first aircraft carrier will be called HMNLS Andre Rieu, and will be launched on Andre's birthday in 2010.
13. The constitution for the newly liberated country of East Timor was partly framed with Andre Rieu's advice.
14. Frisian cows have been known to produce 250% more milk when exposed to Andre Rieu albums in their milking sheds.
15. Andre Rieu was the first classical musician to be declared 100% carbon neutral by ex-Vice President Al Gore.
16. Andre lost his virginity at the age of 13 to four German exchange students all named Erika.
17. The Butthole Surfers will be touring with Andre across the ex-Soviet Caucuses nations in December 2012.
18. Andre Rieu has carried every summer and winter Olympic Games torch since the 1972 Sapporo winter games.
19. The role of Robocop was originally planned for Rieu by his Dutch compatriot Paul Verhoeven.
20. Rieu's first novel, "Love, Death, Edam and Violin Bow Rosin" will be published by Kluwer International in time for Christmas.
21. Andre Rieu was briefly engaged to erotic artist Cicciolina before she decided to marry Jeff Koons.
22. Hyundai are planning to release their next four wheel drive car, the Hyundai Rieu in October.
23. Andre Rieu's is rumoured to have three kidneys and has infra-red vision.
24. Before his death Pope John Paul II was going to announce Andre Rieu's beatification. Unfortunately Pope Benedict XVI has rescinded this because he doesn't like Rieu's long hair.
25. The Penrith Panthers rugby league team has asked Rieu to become their patron and give motivational speeches to the first grade team for every home game for the rest of the 2008 season.

The HMNLS Andre Rieu aircraft carrier under construction at Rotterdam naval dockyards

Broadcast Schedule For The Myopic Monothesists Network (25/5/08)

6.00 AM: The Richard Nixon Cartoon Connection
The only US president to have resigned from the Oval Office hosts the most entertaining half-hour of cartoons that your children will ever see. With contests, giveaways on air and the occasional break in to your family home Richard Nixon will keep the littlies happy whilst you have a quick bout of pre-breakfast sex.
6.30 AM: Morning News With a Badger
Want to catch up on the world that was awake while you were sound asleep. Tune in to the Morning News presented by a wild badger and be amazed at the news gathering resources available to a large wood and heath living mammal.
7.00 AM: The Daily Get Up Show
Join your hosts Gaylene Mandible, Walter Koenig (yes, that guy who was Chekhov in 'Star Trek') and curmudgeonly black activist/weatherman Afrika Mombasa-Kinte as they ease you into the working day. News, views, interviews, celebrity gossip and appendectomies all get aired alongside Gaylene's dirty laundry during The Daily Get Up Show.
9.00 AM: Now You're Up Do Something Variety Hour
German rocket scientist Werner Von Braun and his fair Egyptian co-host Hatshepsut keep blabbering on about cookware and funeral plans now that hubby or wifey have gone to work. The Trotskyite Dancers will stun you with their tango skills as well as their chronic lumbago.
10.00 AM: Mummy, Who's That In Your Closet?
In this week's episode of the classic 70s American sitcom, Desmond and Pauline Congeal come home from school and find their school principal Mr Harris nude in their mummy's closet. Mrs Congeal tries to explain to her kids that Mr Harris was giving her some instruction in Coptic Greek. Rated G.
10.30 AM: The Love U-Boat
Kapitain Wagner and the jolly crew of U-701 just happen to sink a merchant vessel carrying rubber prophylactics and Belgian nurses home for a naughty weekend away from the front line. U-Boat barman Levy Finkelstein mixes a heady cocktail for the captain and his new love interest.
11.30 AM: Morning News and Toad Rubbing
Get up to date with local, regional, international and veterinary news thanks to morning news host Kenrick Hamster as he takes a cane toad and rubs it.
11.55 AM: Thought for The Day
Bishop Aloysius Catamite from the First Episcopalean Nun-Chuks of Christ delivers his daily homily on Jesus, life and car shopping. Not for those of an Islamic persuasion.
12.00 PM: Midday Movie - I Was A Teenage Conveyancer
Michael J Fox joins Archbishop Desmond Tutu and French pioneer aviator Louis Bleriot in a mild sex-romp about a Canadian boy who goes to school during the day, but at night seduces wealthy women as he does their conveyancing. Also starring Madonna as a coffee table.
2.15 PM: Community Notice Board
What's happening in your town will be announced here every day, with chirpy funster Josef Stalin passing out info on local events. Hamlet's better half Ophelia will also pop in to show us some of the latest gynaecological implements on offer at your local ob/gyn specialist.
2.30 PM: Candid Commode
Legendary British singer Gary Glitter and his side kick King Haakon VII bring you the viewer an hour of merriment and giggles as they trap unsuspecting men and women in their very own 13 camera equipped public toilet. Today's special celebrity victim is Aussie tennis legend Jelena Dokovic.
3.30 PM: I F-cking Dare Ya
The best ever reality show ever axed after 3 episodes returns in repeats today, and home viewers will thrill as they watch ordinary people being asked to do blatantly stupid or suicidal things for bugger all. Highlights from today's show include a property valuer from Bangkok being dared to give a male Grey Nurse shark a wedgie. Also watch for the hysterical moment when ex-German chancellor Helmut Kohl realises he's been 'f-cking dared' to eat the entire original codex of William the Conquerer's 'Domesday Book'. Also available in widescreen HD.
4.00 PM: Kama Sutra For Kids
Wearied by boring school-oriented quiz shows? Well forget your ennui today as you watch the boys from Scots Presbyterian Grammar School Kiev take on the girls from the 3rd SS Panzer Division in identifying as many Kama Sutra positions they can through only the human senses of touch and taste. Hosted by quiz master Stephen Hawkings.
4.30 PM: The Dudley Dugong Show
Home from work and need another bout of under-the-sheets nude tangoing? Then prop the bubs and the kiddies in front of your TV and let Dudley Dugong (a.k.a. Trevor 'Evil Clown' Barrett, on day release after molesting a chicken) keep them out of the room where clothes are optional.
5.00 PM: Dollars, Box or Cheese?
Jovial host Charles Manson rewards canny audience members if they can successfully chose between taking home $1.78 million in cash, a cardboard box filled with belly button lint or a block of Edam cheese. The block of cheese has to go off tonight!
5.30 PM: Cooking With The Klan
Grand Kukla Artabaznes and his white supremicist minion Exalted Cyclops Cyril McWhirter whip up dinner treats for your table tonight. Tonight's menu includes White Pudding, White Christmas and White Forest Cake.
6.00 PM: The MMN Evening News Emporium
Get up to speed on everything that made your world rotate on its axis with Evening News Host Pope Boniface and suffragette Emily Pankhurst. Sport is presented by Chilean ex-dictator General Pinochet and weather, tidal information and plague warnings provided by sexy great-grandmother Cher.
6.30 PM: In Your Face Or Barging Through Your Door
Current affairs and in-depth news is taken to a new level by Japanese war criminal Hideki Tojo as he asks the hard questions of those bastard politicians, shonky businessmen and large breasted celebrities who keep you from attaining the perfect life.
7.00 PM: Pork Bay
The legendary soap that combined teenage life and love with seaside piggeries. In tonight's episode Tourette's sufferer Bindi finds out that her lover Waylon has been masquerading as a member of the exiled Albanian royal family. Meanwhile wily old Bert Sodden tricks trainee pig slaughterer Kylie into spending the night at his house with only a bag of pork crackling and a pair of crotchless underpants for the evening's entertainment.
7.30 PM: Waiting for Godot Squad
Detective Beckett and Senior Sargeant Satre spend their 204th day on surveillance outside the Godot crack house. Meanwhile Inspector Huis Clos finally gets to the bottom of the Ionesco home invasions, and discovers that the Academie Francais has been pulling the criminal strings after all.
8.30 PM: Lavatory Nightmares
Public convenience wunderkind and guru Clyde McPhatter is called in to yet another toilet complex to make sure that the cisterns are still attracting customers. This week the Bide'a'Wee Washroom and Pissoir in Volgograd, Russia gets the McPhatter touch as he turns it from a filth encrusted pole over a pit into a literal palace for human excretion.
9.30 PM: The Benny Elias Hour
In a previous life Benny Elias was a rugby league player for the Balmain Tigers. Now, thanks to the largesse of this broadcaster's owners and a grant from the Australian Arts Council Benny Elias gets to show us how he sees the world. Combining interviews with the powerful and the cerebrally dead, taking you the viewer into the streets of your town, his town and the town between his town and your town, and finally bringing into the studio a great act from European pop music (this week it's the Nena and '99 Luftsballoons'), Benny is the consumate entertainer.
10.30 PM: The Picadors
Quality crime drama combined with the travails of an ordinary member of the bull fighting community on the south coast of New South wales. Enrique Picador spends most of tonight's episode talking to his psychologist on why he had to put a hit on Juan Siesta of the Bega Siesta family. Meanwhile Maria Picador is frought by guilt over her crime-funded lifestyle as she shops for cutlery in the Wollongong Crown Street mall.
11.30 PM: Barry the Bulgar's Late Night Bulletin
Noted comedian and transexual bomber pilot Barry Smirnov puts his own unique twist on the day's news, live from his studio in Plovdiv. Tonight is 'Politicians & Their Ear Wax' night, and Barry promises to really get into the inner ear of US presidential hopeful Barak Obama.
12.00 PM: The Trouser Expander Movie - 'Sex, Lies and the Erotic Dry Cleaner'
For the slightly flaccid or the libido-suppressed tonights movie guarantees at least three orgasms before the first commercial break. This prime piece of prurient cinema follows the work of Jorge and his diminuitive girlfriend Elise as they work together both clothed and in the nude to remove stains from their own their customer's gussets. Rated M. (May include scenes of a sexual or domestic laundry nature)
1.40 AM: Home Shopping With Gareth Evans
Australia's best appeaser of the Suharto military dictatorship makes sure that the best bargains are available in the wee small hours. Call 1-800-Love-Alitas and pick up a monogrammed Paul Keating Tea Cosy from Gareth.
2.30 AM: Australia Versus China: 3rd Projectile Vomiting Test
Live from Guangzhou the Green and Gold Carpet Stainers take on the People's Pea and Carrot Hurlers in an international regurgitation-off for the much desired Charlotte Bronte Cup. The winner of this tie will progress to meet the Liechtenstein Spewers at the Moscow Olympic Stadium. Rolf Harris and Heidi Klum provide expert commentary with Milton Friedman offering sideline analysis.
5.00 AM: God, The Universe & Skeet Shooting
Leaders of the major faiths meet in the first ever tournament to decide whether or not God exists and if so what is his/her/their preferred religion. This week Iman Wraithof Khan takes on Swami River to decide whether Islam or Buddhism will confront the Mormons.

Forgotten Legends of Rugby League

As has been widely celebrated amongst the cognoscenti, the hoi polloi and the good burghers of Australian Rugby League, 2008 marks the centenary of the formal organisation of the greatest game of all (excluding football, cricket, golf, tennis, korfball and nude battling tops) in the land down under (or at least the northern eastern bits). In this, my first in a series of articles (sponsored by Patra Orange Juice, Meapro Ham and Viking Saunas) focusing on the history of a sport that was described by noted French philosopher and playwright Jean Paul Satre as "Quel est ce jeu avec les hommes laids?", I'd like to draw the non-league loving Joe Public's attention to some of the lesser but still great players of yesteryear. Forget the likes of Wally Lewis, Bob Fulton or Graeme Langlands, the careers I will briefly summarise below provide the true meat and potatoes in the sumptuous banquet that is 100 years of Australian Rugby League.

Clive 'Digger' McGee (1882 - 1915)
Captain-coach of the Cumberland Dog-Botherers, Clive was a mercurial five-eighth with the ability to both pivot and sell the dummy either to the left or right, whilst at the same time translate Dante's "Inferno" into hendecasyllables. Much respected by his team mates, the Australasian Federation of Banjo Manufacturers and the Ecuadorial Consul-general, McGee wracked up the then record tally of 15 tries, three skin diseases and one case of stigmata in the 1908 season. McGee volunteered to serve in the Australian Imperial Force at the outbreak of World war One, and whilst his service in the Royal Australian Army Catering Corps was short he brought immeasurable glory to his name by starting the first kick and chase bayonet attack on the Lone Pine positions during the Gallipoli campaign.

Artie Farqhuarson (1895 - 1961)
When the old club house of the Annandale Dales was dug up in 1979 the resident Rugby League archaeologists appointed to inspect the site were amazed to find an intact pair of Farqhuarson's team shorts. Considering that the Dales and Artie had last featured in a NSW Rugby league premiership in 1920 stories of his extra large pants and the equipment he had to fill them were dismissed as urban league legends. Yet now the proof was there before one and all, and the once notorious rugby league manhood of 'Old Farqhuar' as Artie was known was briefly resurrected. In a moving ceremony before the St George Vs Canterbury grand final replay that year Artie's widow Desdemona was reunited with her dead husband's league pants, which left many league lover's eyes damp with sympathetic tears.

Ted 'Tooley' Burton (1901 - 1970)
'Tooley' Burton played almost all his first grade rugby league career at the Glebe Fruiterers (also known as the Glebe Nihilists, the Glebe Dirty Reds, the Glebe Dirty Mauves and the Glebe Optometrists), with his favoured positions being either front row forward or team chaplain. Ted was the first graduate of the Collarenabri Rugby League Primary School to actually play in a premiership game without recording a police conviction (Glebe Vs Newton, Round 12 1926). A keen bird spotter and champion lute player, Burton was arguably most renowned for his spectacular 312 metre length of the field try scored against the Group 17 regional champions, the Warilla Blind Limpers in the 1928 pre-season cup. Unfortunately when the Glebe team was cut from the NSW rugby league premiership in 1929 Ted 'Tooley' Burton fell on hard times and was reduced to reciting Gerard Manley Hopkin's poetry in the nude, on the corner of George and Kent Street , taking small gifts of money and bread to survive.

Mario Le Corbusier (1914 - 1947)
Le Corbusier was the only French-speaking and fully qualified architect to have ever transferred from Brisbane club Brothers to the Newtown Bluebags (latterly known as the Jets), debuting for his Sydney team in 1933 in the position of hooker. With a face described by Rugby League authority Rex 'Moose' Mossop as 'a homage to the Cubist work of Leger and Picasso, with a bloody big schnozz broken at least 12 times', Mario always found himself at the epicentre of the Newtown defensive line. Sent off a record 36 times in the 1938 season (including four times in the one game against the Eastern Suburbs Roosters), Le Corbusier returned to Brisbane after being arraigned for the molestation of Canterbury-Bankstown Berries lock Norm 'Tadger-Tugger' Ferkin during the 1943 season's semi-finals. Mario then committed suicide when his design for the home ground of the Babinda Cane Toad Sexers, who inspired by this act went on to win the inaugral 1948 Foley Shield.

Billy Duodenum (1920 - 1989)
When St George won their first NSW premiership in 1941 the engine room that was the forwards pack was driven by two gifted yet illiterate props (Dunc Gibraltar and Kevin 'The Rabelaisian' Monckton), guided by a lock with a gift for Japanese haiku (Morgan Synge-Dettol) and swung around by a pair of second rowers (Eric Himmler and Charlie Eumundi). Yet it was the hooker Billy Duodenum (or 'Inner Tube' as he was called by the kids of Kogarah) who brought much of the success won by the Saints of 41. Billy had been brought up by his mother Gaylene to love the red and white strip and was trained from an early age to scrummage with older children, adults, strangers, coprophiles and Seventh Day Adventists. Spotted at a Menai Cheese-Eaters versus Hurstville Jesuits game by then Saints coach Larry Pilate, the young Duodenum debuted against Souths in a spiteful quarter-final which was left unfinished as Robert Menzies announced Australia's entrance into the Second World War with Saints up 17-15 with 5 minutes to play. Two years later Billy won an incredible 75 scrums against the head in the grand final between Saint George and Easts, as well as fathering twins with his girlfriend Esme Trollop in the half-time break, behind the Brewongle Stand at the SCG. A feared club administrator in later years, Billy was the first man to support legendary Saints stalwart Johnny Raper to realise his rugby league dream at the club. In fact Raper's first pair of boots were funded by the then 43 year old Duodenum taking tuppence for every funnel web spider he could stuff down his underpants and then walk along the Princes Highway between Hurstville and the Sutherland turn-off. Billy died in 1993 just as the Brisbane Broncos knocked over his beloved Dragons, and his last words were reputedly 'That f-cking ref is f-cking blind the f-cking c-nt....your holiness.'

Clive 'Digger' McGee reciting 'The Lays of Ancient Rome' after scoring a try for the Cumberland Dog-Botherers in 1912. against Eastern Suburbs

The Concise Stupid Encyclopaedia of Popular Music

• The original title of The Byrds classic number one hit 'Mr Tambourine Man' (as written by Bob Dylan) was 'Mr Euphonium Man'. Dylan was then convinced by Joan Baez that this was sexist so he changed it to 'Miss Euphonium Woman'. However this caused consternation with the US Society of Meteorologists who had already consulted with Dylan for 'Rainy Day Woman', so Dylan changed it back to 'Mr Euphonium Man', whereas Roger McGuinn gave Dylan a wedgie backstage at the Fillmore East, complaining that Dave Crosby's euphonium had been repossessed, so they needed the song framed with those musical instruments left in Crosby's Buick station wagon. The rest as they say is history.
• Legendary late 70s/early 80s British three piece act The Police were origanlly a foursome. Alongside Andy Sumners, Stewart Copeland and Gordon 'Sting' Sumner there was a ska clarinettist, Desmond 'Blind Kapok' Ackland. Originally recruited by Sting because he was really good at driving the band to their first gig in Belgium, 'Blind Kapok' (a native Jamaican and adopted Mongolian) was credited with inspiring such hits as 'Ce Plane Pour Moi', 'Afternoon Delight' and 'Santa Claus Never Made it Into Darwin'. Of course the problem was none of these singles were actually recorded by The Police. After 3 gigs in a Turkish brothel were spoiled by Ackland spontaneously combusting he was fired by Stewart Copeland. The last that was heard of 'Blind Kapok' Ackland was that he was selling fascimilies of Sting's kidneys in Atlanta, Georgia.
• Elvis Presley converted to Islam just before his fatal cardiac arrest. His new Islamic name was Mohammed Bin Summa Isfahan Doughnut El-Masri. His last hit single before his death, 'Way Down' is actually a free adaptation of the 81st Quranic Sura, 'The Folded Up'. In certain parts of the Islamic Republic of Iran images of Elvis are paraded alongside those of the Ayatollah Khomeini on the last night of Ramadan.
• Johnny Cash was originally 'The Man in Chartreuse', however whilst backstage at his legendary concert in Folsom Prison a prisoner serving 12 years for igniting cheese in a public place (Eric 'Mad Pacificist' Van Buren) accidentally burnt Cash's pants and jacket. the charred remains were then draped over the barely livid country music legend, who went out and proclaimed himself 'the Man in Black and bugger the wardens...'.
• The Beach Boys weren't just the archetypal performers of Californian surf music, but also a group of incredibly gifted philosophers. Dennis Wilson was an Epicurean, whilst Carl Wilson was a stoic. Mike Love translated every tract ever written by Schopenauer from the original German into 4/4 bar room boogie rhythms, whilst Al Jardine found his inspiration for his vocals on 'Help Me Rhonda' after reading Plotinus's 'Enneads'. Finally Brian Wilson's amazing compositional and production work on 'Pet Sounds' was directly as a result of his study of Aristotelian philosophy whilst eating four day old pizzas.
  

Vice Regal Report for His Excellency The Governor General of St Crippens

(This report was first posted in the St Crippens Bugle & Bidet, January 7th 2008)

In the first week of the new year His Excellency General Sir Fortescue Talbot McBra-Burner, honoured and most esteemed Governor General of the Commonwealth nation of St Crippens began his commission both vigorously and free of any skin conditions that admittedly had plagued his predecessor Sir Giles Speculum.

Greeted on his arrival in our fair Caribbean island nation by the Prime Minister Walcott O'Dinga at the Dengue Fever International Airport on Monday, the Governor General and his wife Lady Incontinence McBra-Burner (nee Staphylococcus of the famous Cardiff Staphylococci) were transported to Government House by the Official Vice Regal Hyundai Excel. Upon arrival at Government House the Vice Regal Party an honour guard from the 1st Battalion Royal St Crippens Regiment saluted the new Governor General:

The Official Vice Regal Military Honour Guard

After a luncheon hosted by PM O'Dinga and St Crippen's parliamentary Opposition Leader Desmond Artichoke (leader of the SCLFU or St Crippen's Leftist Falangist Union), the Vice Regal Party retired for the day after being sown into hessian bags by their aide de camp Major Terence Sodomy.

Tuesday:
The Governor General met with local butchers this morning and discussed with them St Crippen's booming trade in tripe. The delegation of butchers were glad to hear that the new Vice Regal representative was aware of how important offal was to the St Crippen's macroeconomic landscape. The 3 hour meeting (held in the finest reception centre in the capital, Coprophilia) was concluded with a Butchers versus Governor General match of nude Battling Tops.

Whilst General Sir McBra-Burner met with the butchers and then dozed lightly under the tracks of a M1A1 Abrams Main Battle Tank, Lady McBra-Burner went to St Crippen's only Orphanage and Brewery. Flatulence House, brewers of such fine beers as "Abandoned Bastard Lager", "Parents Died Mysteriously Pilsener" and "Mummy Ran Off With The Hairdresser Pale Ale" provided the Governor General's wife with an extensive tour of the facilities, and then presented her with a carton of the world famous "My Father Is Gay and Gave Me Away Because of the Shame Bitter" and a selection of small parent-less children for her to exploit during the Governor General's term of office.

Wednesday
Lady McBra-Burner was indisposed today due to a rather contagious lesion which was suppurating between her cloaca and her thyroid gland, so it was left to Governor General McBra-Burner to wish a hearty farewell to the St Crippen's Olympic team as they boarded their Ju-87 Stuka dive bomber flight to the Beijing Olympics.

Air St Crippen's Express Flight to Beijing 2008 prepped for take-off

In the evening the Governor General attended the premiere of the latest theatrical from legendary St Crippen's playwright Tobias Ringworm. "Tally Me Banana" is a rabble-rousing musical based on the life of legendary freedom fighter and first prime minister of St Crippens, Vanburn Holder and the rumours of his gay relationship with noted 1950s calypso singer from West St Crippens, Harry Belalugosi. General Sir McBra-Burner was heard to comment to his aide de camp that "Tally Me Banana" is the best Caribbean musical he has seen since catching the Andre Lloyd-Webber/Viv Richards production of "Rohan Kanhai: The Musical" at Aldershot army base in 1983.

Thursday:
The Vice Regal Party, as well as celebrated 80s rocker and semi-retired St Crippens resident Limahl were the special judges of the annual Miss St Crippen's beauty pageant. The Governor General was particularly taken with the eventual winner Noelene Cucumber, who scored maximum points in both the swimsuit and field-stripping a M60 machine gun sections of the contest. Noelene (a student taxidermist at the Royal St Crippens Veterinary Hospital and Steak House) was less warmly received by Lady McBra-Burner, who may have been over-eager to criticize the pageant contestant after she discovered Miss Cucumber's lipstick smudged on the Governor General's right ear, coccyx bone and vas deferens.

Lady Incontinence McBra-Burner in Vice Regal garb at the Miss St Crippens Pageant

Friday:
The end of the first working week for General Sir McBra-Burner as the new Governor General of St Crippens. The Vice Regal party were captivated by a 47 minute phone call from HRH Queen Elizabeth II who asked the Governor General if he had found any well-endowed native St Crippian men who would be willing to spend time with an elderly woman living near the heart of London. The Governor General is believed to still be on the look out for such fine example's of the nation's manhood, or failing that is willing to spend half of next week's Vice Regal budget on extremely large and suggestive items of fruit and/or vegetables.

St Crippen's Governor General, General Sir Fortescue Talbot McBra-Burner in the ceremonial uniform of his old British Army Regiment, the Queens Own Scottish Drunk Bastards

Latest Results from the SPL (or Movie Sequels Mano-a-Mano)

Here are the latest results from the Sequels Professional League, after the season's final round:

Rocky 4 defeated Rambo 3
A spiteful game that saw Dolph Lundgren sent off in the 37th minute of the second half for an illegal punch on Richard Crenna

Star Trek 6 defeated Star Wars 2
Chewbacca was consistently outclassed by Lt.Cmdr Chekhov in the goal mouth. Spock scored a hat-trick

Police Academy 4 drew with Saw 4
Steve Guttenburg slotted home the equalizer through the legs of the Jigsaw killer in the dying moments of the game

Mad Max 3 defeated Terminator 2
Don't expect Arnold to be back for the semi-finals thanks to his gormless approach to the Mad Max 3 striker combination of Tina Turner and Mel Gibson

Lethal Weapon 4 defeated Shrek 2
Mel Gibson doubled up for fullback duty after the Mad Max versus Terminator game and was a delight in stopping Princess Fiona from adding to her goal tally for the year.

Jurassic Park 3 defeated Land Before Time 2
Undoubtedly a masterful victory for the CGI Raptors over the cartoon drawn baby dinosaurs.

Godfather 3 drew with Back to the Future 3
Hardly surprising dull match between two of the lower ranked members of the SPL. The Godfather team are under relegation threat and could be replaced by Grease 2 in the 2008/2009 season.

The Omen 2 drew with Evil Dead 2
Hell of a game. Damian Thorne has grown up into a real demon of a performer both on and off the pitch.

The Exorcist 3 drew with Lord of the Rings 3
A real head-turner of a game, but perhaps drawn out by the incessant use of the offside trap by Gollum, Frodo and Aragorn during extra time.

Caddyshack 2 defeated by Robocop 3
Who knew that a rocket propelled automaton police officer could knock off a bunch of whacky golfers? Probably everyone.

So in next week's major preliminary semi-final Jurassic Park takes on Shrek at the Munich Olympic stadium, whilst at the MCG in the elimination semi Mad Max is drawn to play The Omen. The bye is awarded to table champions Star Trek, who are looking to go all the way to 11 if they win through to the final.